|Location Found||Problem Sleuth's office|
The first weapon introduced in the story, the handgun is initially used by Problem Sleuth. It can hold up to six bullets at once. Its alternate mode is a key.
After picking it up, PS accidentally Ace Dick, who reloads it using munitions he found in the still room. AD then leaves it in the elf room for Pickle Inspector to , since PI's low Vim makes the handgun one of the few weapons he can actually use.the handgun's last bullet to blow open the lock on his office's door. He later to
The handgun is Demonhead Mobster Kingpin's mask, but at PI has acquired a new one and wields it while patrolling the city streets.
Tommy gun/Ring of keysEdit
|Location Found||Ace Dick's office|
The tommy gun is initially used by Ace Dick. Its alternate form is a key ring with three keys on it.
AD uses up 95% of the weapon's starting ammo speakeasy's floor. He later to Problem Sleuth, who reloads it using munitions he found in his hideout., doing no damage, and then exhausts the remainder around a target painted on the still room's ceiling/
The tommy gun is
|Location Found||Pickle Inspector's office|
The machine gun is initially used by Pickle Inspector. It is very heavy, so under normal circumstances PI can only hold it for a few seconds before having to drop it. Its alternate form is a hairpin, which is appropriate, as the weapon has a "hairpin trigger" that can go off at any moment.
PI is briefly able to pick it up for a longer period of time after drinking hot sauce, but the hairpin trigger skylight and it lands on the roof of his imaginary office, where it is and equipped by Ace Dick. A duplicate machine gun is created when an alternate save state version of AD is created, and the two ADs continue to use them even after being transformed into Zombie Ace Dick and Fiesta Ace Dick.and causes a fire in PI's office. He later accidentally the hairpin through the
ZAD's machine gun iswhen its hairpin mode is used to open one of the locks on Demonhead Mobster Kingpin's mask, and FAD's is lost when he is by Mobster Kingpin, but at AD has acquired a new one and wields it while patrolling the city streets.
Candy corn handgunEdit
One of three candy-themed gunsfor Team Sleuth's use by Pickle Inspector, the candy corn handgun is wielded by Problem Sleuth. It is capable of doing heavy damage to a beast.
The handgun is lost after PSby a beast.
Tootsie Roll shotgunEdit
One of three candy-themed gunsfor Team Sleuth's use by Pickle Inspector, the Tootsie Roll shotgun is wielded by Ace Dick. It is capable of blowing a beast's head off.
The shotgun is lost after ADby a beast.
One of three candy-themed gunsfor Team Sleuth's use by Pickle Inspector, the PEZ Uzi is wielded by PI himself. It is capable of doing heavy damage to a beast.
When PI's imaginary self enters Ace Dick's office, his body can no longer be sustained on the material plane and, dropping his items - including the Uzi - on the office floor. AD later but dismisses it as silly and does not pick it up.
Jaw breaker cannonEdit
Pickle Inspector learns how to imagine the jaw breaker cannon after successfully
|Location Found||Chicago Overcoat lower deck|
The sniper rifle and its alternate mode, a captain's sextant, are not particularly useful by themselves, but they can be made invaluable with the addition of one item: the Chronoscope of Axial Conjunction. The Chronoscope can be found when a crank inside the Cathedral of Syndetic Ascension is turned, transforming the cathedral's stained glass window into the eye of a giant telescope. This causes the Chronoscope to appear in the steering wheel of the Chicago Overcoat and allow anyone nearby to remove it, though its removal from the wheel also removes the wheel's ability to reorient the universe.
Using the Chronoscope on the sniper rifle/sextant results in one of two changes to the Clock Tower of Cartesian Alignment. If it is used as a scope for the sniper rifle, the Clock Tower transforms into a sniper cannon that will fire upon whatever is targeted by the rifle. If it is inserted into the sextant, the Clock Tower transforms into a giant sextant that allows for the gathering of extremely accurate navigational information.
When the Chicago Overcoat starts veering towards the sun, PI uses the Clock Tower sextant to
|Location Found||Brothel entrance|
The flame thrower is used by Nervous Broad. Its alternate form is a can of paint stripper.
She uses it to entertain the Mannerly Highbrow by painted on the private booth wall, then burns it off with the flame thrower, burning the Highbrow in the process. It is later used in combat against Madame Murel and Black Hole Mobster Kingpin.
When one of the Ace Dicks uses Check Yo'Self Jonah, a harpoon gun instantly appears in his hand. He can use it to shoot the whale and grapple up on top of it.
Zombie Ace Dick's attempt to use Check Yo'Self Jonah ends in disaster when Pickle Inspector accidentally kills the whale with his sniper rifle. The whale crashes into the roof of a prison with the harpoon gun still in its side, and ZAD goes through the roof and lands in one of the cells.
Some time later, in another adventure, the dead whale and harpoon gun are by a prisoner attempting to break out of the prison facility. He uses it to zipline onto the roof of an adjacent building and shoot another prisoner; after some antics, the harpooned prisoner eventually succumbs to his wounds and dies.
Smith Corona Blotspitter/TypewriterEdit
The Smith Corona Blotspitter is one of many holy weapons reserved for the exclusive use of the Chosen Arbitor and kept sealed away by the imaginary realm's nobility until the Arbitor needed it. That time comes when the Chosen Arbitor - Problem Sleuth after being transformed by Sepulchritude - does battle against Demonhead Mobster Kingpin. The Demimonde Semigoddess him with the Blotspitter and an ink ribbon cartridge from her hair to serve as ammunition.
Its alternate form is a typewriter. PS can use the typewriter mode to write an officially notarized unpleasant note directed at an enemy to increase the enemy's Sick Burn levels, then load the note into the Blotspitter's cartridge to use the ultimate form of Sleuth Diplomacy, Pax Probliscum.
The knife is initially used by Hysterical Dame. Its alternate form is a teddy bear with the key to HD's music box tied around its neck.
The chainsaw is initially used by Nervous Broad. Its alternate mode is a tube of lipstick, but in this form it still functions identically to the chainsaw, damaging any object or individual that has lipstick drawn on it/them.
The chainsawto Hysterical Dame by the save state-created duplicate of Ace Dick, and upon equipping it she destroys her and in a violent, hysterical rage. After calming down, she uses the lipstick to the door of her apartment and escape. She later uses it in combat against Mobster Kingpin and Madame Murel.
In Homestuck, Kanaya Maryam also uses a chainsaw that turns into a stick of lipstick, though hers operates somewhat differently: since weapon/object duality does not exist for most weapons in Homestuck, Kanaya's chainsaw physically transforms via built-in technology instead of swapping between modes with no explanation, and the lipstick form actually works as real lipstick.
The two-by-four is wielded by Li'l Ace Dick. Its alternate form is a romance novel, giving the two-by-four the ability to increase the Emotions level of any enemy it is used against.
LAD uses it to
Brass knuckles/Megaton KeyEdit
|Location Found||Mobster Kingpin's office|
The brass knuckles are worn by Mobster Kingpin. As they are extremely heavy, he can only wear them if he has made Vim his primary stat through the use of Running Numbers. With the knuckles on, MK can an enemy with one punch.
The knuckles' alternate form, the Megaton Key, is the central MacGuffin driving the plot of Problem Sleuth. The Megaton Key is the only object capable of opening the office building's door and allowing Team Sleuth to finally reach the city streets. It is rumored that only the strongest man in the world can lift it.
The Key remains in the possession of MK until he is impaled on the Ham Needle's antenna and dies. Ace Dick, now the strongest man in the world after merging with his fiesta and zombie counterparts, picks up the Key and opens the door with it, winning the game.
Tectrixcalibur/Tectrix of the ArbitorEdit
The Tectrix of the Arbitor is a quill that serves as one of the most potent weapons possessed by the weasel kingdom. It is Death.to Problem Sleuth by the Weasel King to help PS draft a treaty ending the war between the Four Kingdoms. The Tectrix is returned to the King following PS's success with the treaty-writing task, and he later in the afterlife to give the Tectrix to Pickle Inspector, hoping that it will aid PI in his game with
After his resurrection, PI keeps the Tectrix under his hat. When Demonhead Mobster Kingpin traps him in the Brier of Cruelty, PIthe Tectrix out and attempts to tickle DMK with it, but he accidentally drops it instead. PS catches it and uses its weapon mode, the legendary sword Tectrixcalibur, to slice through the briar and free himself and PI. PS proceeds to use it as his main weapon while under the effects of Sepulchritude.
Bully truncheons and roustabout clubs are used by thugs. The clubs are not particularly deadly but can Problem Sleuth's Vitality Carats.
The scythe is Death's iconic item and is carried by him wherever he goes. During the DMK battle, Problem Sleuth uses Armistyx to summon Death for the purpose of making a deal. Death agrees to lend the scythe to PS, who uses it in combat against DMK.
The scythe does not possess a single innocuous second form but instead a wide variety of different forms, both innocuous and deadly. Its alternate forms include:
- A fort
- The Bowen Stilson Dogg
- The Labrynthine Sudocube Comprehsensile
- A romance novel
- A baby grand piano
- T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics
- An ugly dog
- An F-16
- The head of Manny Calavera
The use of the A-bomb mode against DMK results in the scythe's destruction.
Stun gun/Paint rollerEdit
|Location Found||Brothel entrance|
The stun gun is wielded by Hysterical Dame. Its alternate form is a paint roller, though when used in combat the rolled paint can turn into electricity.
She initially uses the paint roller to entertain the Dapper Swain by saucily a mural on the wall of a private booth, but she accidentally an outlet with the stun gun, shocking the Swain and shorting out the booth's coin-operated window.
The Skeleton Brush is wielded by Madame Murel. The brush by itself can do very little, but when used in conjunction with MM's paint palette it can perform different functions:
- In combat, it becomes the , which changes into different types and colors of weapons: a red spiked whip, a purple forked whip, a yellow chain, a pink cat-o'-nine-tails, and a green flail.
- After defeating MM in combat, Hysterical Dame uses the Brush to on the padlocks attached to the attic door, and the new keyholes are actually functional.
- The Brush can turn into the and unlock any lock.
A weapon used by The Devil. It is meant to prod and taunt the deceased. The Fork's innocuous double is some gay pornography. While the Devil has yet to actually stab or kill someone with his Fork, Morons, Moron Neutrinos, and the Hatless Man have taken the brunt of the Hunk Rump magazine.
Bandoleer of grenades/Box of chocolatesEdit
The bandoleer of hand grenades is worn by Li'l Ace Dick. Its alternate form is a heart-shaped box of chocolates, and the grenades somehow possess the same level of sugar as the chocolates, allowing them to increase Mobster Kingpin's Blood Sugar if he swallows one of them.
LADto two of the grenades into MK's mouth but gets swallowed by MK. In a desperate act of self-sacrifice, he on the two remaining grenades, killing himself to increase MK's Blood Sugar to near-critical levels.
Jawbreaker skylight bombEdit
The jawbreaker skylight bomb combines the deadly nature of a critical fractal reaction with the high sugar content of a jawbreaker. After inserting the skylight with the battery pack into his office window, Problem Sleuth a knotted-together fractal structure that will produce the desired reaction if more pressure is applied to it. Future Pickle Inspector then coats the structure in a candy shell. The shell can only be broken by a particularly powerful set of jaws, like the kind possessed by Demonhead Mobster Kingpin. When he bites down upon the candy, the fractal structure is further compressed into itself until it becomes critical and explodes, doing major damage and raising DMK's Blood Sugar substantially.