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Homestuck: Intermission

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Homestuck Intermission
Don't Bleed on the Suits.
Intermissionopening
Your name is SPADES SLICK. You are the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobsters called the MIDNIGHT CREW.

Start

Page 1154Sburb Logo

End

Page 1357Sburb Logo

Length

204 pages

Previous

Act 3: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers

Next

Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones

The Intermission is titled Don't Bleed on the Suits.Sburb Logo It follows the Midnight Crew as they try to locate and crack Lord English's secret vault and exact revenge upon their rival gang, the Felt.

Click the "Sburb Logo" to open the page from Homestuck.

  • Sburb LogoThe curtains switch to reveal the Intermission. Spades Slick enters the manor of the Felt's leader, Lord English.
  • Sburb LogoSpades deploys his War Chest and finds a back-up hat with two black liquorice scottie dogs and numerous cards. He retrieves his Crosbytop from his War Chest and goes to mspaintadventures.com. The current adventure, from his timeline, is Homestuck. Spades then contemplates his vendetta itinerary and heist map.
  • Sburb LogoClubs Deuce reports that he has captured Doze again.
  • Sburb LogoClubs is introduced as he 'interrogates' Doze by tapping him with a crook and swapping hats with him.
  • Sburb LogoItchy appears in a flash, swapping everyone’s hat and releasing Doze, who attempts to escape.
The Felt

3/15 Green Torsos Dead... I think

  • Sburb LogoSpades 'accidentally' trips Itchy and beats him to death.
  • Sburb LogoDie appears in a flash of light.
  • Sburb LogoClubs rifles through his Battledrobe, finding several explosives, a cane, his back-up hat, two pieces of black licorice, and a copy of Black Inches.
  • Sburb LogoClubs ends up putting bombs underneath both his and Doze's hats.
  • Sburb LogoDiamonds Droog is introduced. Diamonds looks through his Brawlsoleum. It contains multiple back-up hats, back-up suits, and two red Swedish Fish.
  • Sburb LogoTrace punches Diamonds from the future. Using his radio, Diamonds relays Trace's future position to Clubs and follows a path of blood upstairs.
  • Sburb LogoClubs ties up Doze once again using a Stretch Armstrong Doll and stores him in his Battledrobe. He then flips the fuck out upon realizing his cane is made out of a bull's penis.
  • Sburb LogoIn an alternate timeline, Itchy cheats in a game of cards with Die. Die inserts Itchy's pin in his voodoo and appears in front of Spades in a flash of light. Spades "makes friends" with Die by clubbing him in the head.
  • Sburb LogoDie uses one of his Midnight-Crew-shaped pins to travel to a timeline where Spades is dead. Spades' earlier claim to have "made this town" turns out to be true, as Die ends up in a bluish-red desert wasteland. A pink moon (with a smaller pink satellite moon) and a green moon are visible in the sky.
  • Sburb LogoHearts Boxcars is introduced. He discovers that the Felt's safe is too big to tear out of the wall and deduces that the clock-faced safe can probably only be opened by manipulating the flow of time. Hearts decides to call Clubs to blow it up.
  • Sburb LogoHearts deploys his Wrathtub and calls Clubs, only to be interrupted by Biscuits.
  • Sburb LogoThree different versions of Eggs appear to join Biscuits.
  • Sburb LogoClubs goes to where Diamonds instructed.
  • Sburb LogoUpstairs, Diamonds finds a bullet-riddled room containing one of Fin's teeth sitting near a pool of blood. Fin attempts to punch Diamonds from the past, but Diamonds fights back, smacking and then shooting him.
  • Sburb LogoDie takes Spades' pin out of the voodoo doll, ending up in front of Spades where he is promptly killed. Spades places Die's pin in the voodoo doll for good measure.
  • Sburb LogoClubs follows Diamonds and drops off Doze. Trace finds Doze and, upon removing Doze's hat, both are killed (sometime in the future) by a bomb placed by Clubs.
  • Sburb LogoFin, quickly losing blood, starts following Clubs. He attempts to kill Clubs but is worried that his current state will cause him to set off the C4 balanced on Club's head.
  • Sburb LogoDozens of Eggs and Biscuits harass Hearts while creating numerous mostly-unstable time loops. Clover watches the predicament from above.
  • Sburb LogoStitch watches as Eggs' time loops cause the fabric of Lord English's Cairo Overcoat to tear.
  • Sburb LogoFin stumbles into Stitch's workshop and dies before Stitch can fix his corresponding effigy. Clubs barges in and ends up at gunpoint.
  • Sburb LogoDiamonds gets the drop on Stitch and kidnaps him, storing him in his Brawlsoleum.
  • Sburb LogoSpades, having realized that he needs Crowbar's crowbar to open the safe, travels to a timeline in which Crowbar is still alive and fighting the Midnight Crew, along with Sawbuck and Stitch.
  • Sburb LogoSnowman is introduced, shooting stops temporarily and Snowman sticks her cigarette holder/lance into Spades' eye.
  • Sburb LogoSpades hits Sawbuck with the lance/cigarette holder and both are transported into the past. Spades kills Stitch with the Saber Rattle/Four of Spades.
  • Sburb LogoSpades throws Occam's Razor/King of Spades at Crowbar, who deflects it into Sawbuck, teleporting all three into the distant past. The landscape is nearly identical to the wasteland where Die ended up after using his ability on Spades. In the far background is a wrapped figure who bears a striking resemblance to other desert dwellers. On closer inspection, he is revealed to be the Scurrilous Straggler.
  • Sburb LogoSpades stuffs Crowbar into his War Chest and stabs at Sawbuck, bringing them all to the future, slightly after the gunfight that never happened. Hearts Boxcars is waiting there. Spades takes Hearts's Wrathtub, stuffs Sawbuck and Stitch's corpse into that, then stuffs that into his War Chest.
  • Sburb LogoSpades sticks Crowbar's pin back in, bringing him back to the original timeline. Spades drops his War Chest, and Sawbuck and Crowbar pop out. Crowbar shoots at Spades, who deflects the bullets into Sawbuck. Everyone goes into the past slightly, where another Sawbuck exists. The new Sawbuck and Crowbar trade shots and disappear to some unknown point in the timeline.
  • Sburb LogoSpades goes into the future (slightly before Doze and Trace explode) and decapitates Sawbuck, Crowbar, and Sawbuck.
  • Sburb LogoDiamonds puts backup hats on two effigies, making them correspond to him and Spades.
  • Sburb LogoSpades starts riding his horse hitcher with lance in hand, but he is seen by Snowman. Spades responds by throwing his hat down on the ground in anger.
  • Sburb LogoDiamonds and Clubs start shooting at the huge mass of Biscuits and Eggs with Hearts in the middle. The two idiotic Felt members pull Diamonds and Clubs into the fight next to Hearts.
  • Sburb LogoStitch moves his lighter towards Spades' and Diamonds' effigies. Spades charges in and impales him through the torso with the lance.
  • Sburb LogoDoze and Trace explode again - this time in the present.
  • Sburb LogoSpades crushes Eggs' Egg Timer with Crowbar's crowbar, and the unstable time loops stop, leaving an unharmed Eggs and Biscuits staring blankly.
  • Sburb LogoHearts eats Eggs' head. Like a snake.
  • Sburb LogoBiscuits goes back into his oven. Spades uses the crowbar on the oven to little effect, since the oven has no real temporal properties.
  • Sburb LogoClubs Deuce puts some dynamite in the oven and wheels it off so that when Biscuits emerges, the dynamite will explode. Sometime in the future, the dynamite does explode, leaving only Lord English, Clover, Snowman, and Cans alive.
  • Sburb LogoSpades begins an attempt to open the safe with Crowbar's crowbar, but Clover frantically suggests he do otherwise. Spades asks him how to open the safe, but Clover refuses to tell and begins singing and dancing.
  • Sburb LogoDiamonds 'asks' Clover to open the safe by pointing a gun at his head. Clover laughs at Diamonds' threat, saying that with his good luck, the gun would jam or something else predictable would save him. Diamonds begins whacking him with a newspaper (actually the wrappers of Diamonds' private sordid literature).
  • Sburb LogoCans makes his appearance, busting through a nearby wall Kool-Aid Man style, while Clover ogles Diamonds' literature.
  • Sburb LogoCans charges into Diamonds and punches him into next week, from April 13 to April 20, when he is doing his grocery shopping.
  • Sburb LogoHearts flails Eggs' torso at Cans, only to be punched right off the calendar into a different, outdated calendar featuring spirited horses.
Base within LE's vault

Weird Plot Shit: It's even in your intermission.

  • Sburb LogoSpades uses the crowbar to force open the vault door, sending him into a timeline where the entire mansion has been destroyed and, of the entire Felt and Midnight Crew, seemingly only he, Snowman and Lord English remain alive.
  • Sburb LogoSpades goes into the vault. Inside he finds only an opening on the floor with a spade keyhole. Spades produces his Spade Key. He would peek through the keyhole, were it not actually a barcode scanner.
  • Sburb LogoThe Spade Key becomes the Blackjack Rules Card.
  • Sburb LogoSpades' Rules Card is shot by Snowman. She then tears off his arm and shuts the safe. Spades now is unable to open the Spade-Emblazoned Safe-in-a-Safe.
  • Sburb LogoSpades flips his sprite, thereby recreating the barcode needed to enter. Scanning it opens a hatch with a Spirograph on it. Spade climbs down the ladder beneath it to find a terminal, one very similar to that which the exiles use to command the kids.
  • Sburb LogoSpades begins to type commands into the computer, talking to a young troll on one of the twelve screens.
  • Sburb LogoThe Intermission ends with a page that mirrors another oneSburb Logo, wondering whether this has all been a waste of time.
v·d·eHomestuck Acts
Act 1 Act 2 Act 3 Intermission Act 4

Act 5 Act 1 Act 5 Act 2
[S] Cascade
Intermission 2 Act 6 Act 1 Act 6 Int. 1

Act 6 Act 2 Act 6 Int. 2 Act 6 Act 3 Act 6 Int. 3 Act 6 Act 4

Act 6 Int. 4 Act 6 Act 5
A1 A2 A1x2
Act 6 Int. 5
I1 I2 I3 I4 I5 I6
Act 6 Act 6
A1 I1 A2 I2 A3 I3
A4 I4 A5 I5 A6
Act 7

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