After Problem Sleuth diplomatically solved the plight of the four kingdoms, he gained the ability to commune with them from afar. The kingdoms assembled their finest heroes and sent them forth to climb the Cathedral of Syndetic Ascension. The merry band consists of a Weasel Warrior, a Hog Cleric, an Elf Mage and a Clown Bard. Each Hero hails from a different kingdom, and has abilities similar to games played from Dungeons and Dragons:
- The Weasel Warrior uses his disciplined Flipping the Fuck Out technique to slice enemies with his sword.
- The Elf Mage can cast a variety of destructive and utility spells to assist the other heroes and defeat enemies using his majyyk wand.
- The awkward and somewhat inept Hog Cleric casts a variety of healing abilities with his Crook of Fealty to keep the band healthy. The Cleric also can summon salted melons.
- The Clown Bard, equipped with only a Lute, can play songs to affect the material plane. The Clown Bard is also capable of incendiary Lute Solos.
The Heroes managed to best countless foes, such as Garnghut Blistershod, during their climb up the Cathedral of Syndetic Ascension, make crucial adjustments to the Clock Tower of Cartesian Alignment, and lead the charge against Dark Matter Mobster Kingpin before being sucked into his black hole. There, they proved to be absolutely useless.
|v·d·eProblem Sleuth Characters|
|Problem Sleuth - Ace Dick - Pickle Inspector|
|Hysterical Dame - Nervous Broad|
|Elves - Hogs - Weasels - Clowns|
|The Four Heroes|
|Mobster Kingpin - Madame Murel - Demonhead Mobster Kingpin|
|Death - Godhead Pickle Inspector - Demimonde Goddess - The Devil|
|The Whale - Candy Mecha - Hearst - Hired Muscle - Honeybee Professor|
|Beasts - Whores - Thugs - Worker Bees - Courtesan Angels|
|Midnight Crew (Spades Slick - Diamonds Droog - Hearts Boxcars - Clubs Deuce)|
|Laborer Wasps - Professor Wasp - Zombie Astronaut - Little White Cat - Fuzzy Man Bear and Sarah|