Colonel Sassacre
Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!Sburb Logo
First AppearanceSburb Logo


The Condesce - Wife
Halley - Pet
Dad - Adoptive great-grandson
Nanna - Adoptive granddaughter (Pre-scratch)
John Egbert - Adoptive great-great-grandson (Pre-scratch)
Poppop - Adoptive grandson (Post-scratch)
Jane Crocker - Adoptive great-great-granddaughter (Post-scratch)

Colonel Sassacre is a famous humorist, and the author of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.

His wife is legendary pastry Baroness Betty Crocker, who owns the company of the same name. His dog, Halley, is the genetic template from which Becquerel is created.

He happens to be Nanna's adoptive grandfather, rescuing her from a meteor that hit his wife's bakery on April 13, 1910. Eight days later, on April 21, another meteor hit Halley's doghouse. When the Colonel went to investigate, he was accidentally killed by an infant Grandpa dual-mishandling flintlock pistols. Nanna and Grandpa then grew up under the wicked pastry baroness's care as siblings, until they were 13, when Grandpa developed a taste for adventure and departed with Halley.

His life in the post-scratch universe was similar, still marrying Betty Crocker and owning the dog Halley. The change was the result of Nanna being replaced with Poppop and Grandpa being replaced with Grandma. Since neither Poppop nor Grandma were sent to Earth with dual flintlock pistols, it is unknown how Colonel Sassacre died in the post-scratch universe. It is hinted at by Jane how he could have died in a conversation with Dirk where she says The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions. However, it is known that his stuffed corpse was kept in the living room while Poppop and Grandma grew up, as was family tradition.

Colonel Sassacre's life follows that of his real-life counterpart, Mark Twain. Mark Twain died on April 21, 1910, following the perihelion of Halley's Comet. The Colonel died the same day, and when a meteor hit the dog house of his dog, Halley.

The Hilarocaust, a holocaust to destroy humanity started by The Condesce via the hands of the Insane Clown Posse, can be seen as a play on his name as it also is a combination of "humor" and "mass killing".

Trivia Edit

  • Sassacre's sprite shares many physical similarities with Dad. He, along with Dad, are currently some of the only major characters in Homestuck that are not confirmed to be paradox clones as of yet.
  • Both portraits of him in his Daunting Text are edited sketches of Mark Twain, and his overall appearance is heavily based on a famous picture of Twain.
  • In The Mysterious Stranger, Mark Twain theorized a concept based around the duality of the "self"; one being the "Waking Self", and the other being the "dream self", a concept heavily reimagined in Homestuck.
  • Interestingly enough, Mark Twain's parents are named John and Jane Clemens.