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Colonel Sassacre
Sassacre3
Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!Sburb Logo
First AppearanceSburb Logo

Relations

The Condesce - Wife
Halley - Pet
Dad - Adoptive great-grandson
Nanna - Adoptive granddaughter (Pre-scratch)
John Egbert - Adoptive great-great-grandson (Pre-scratch)
Poppop - Adoptive grandson (Post-scratch)
Jane Crocker - Adoptive great-great-granddaughter (Post-scratch)

Colonel Sassacre is a famous humorist, and the author of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.

His wife is legendary pastry Baroness Betty Crocker, who owns the company of the same name. His dog, Halley, is the genetic template from which Becquerel is created.

He happens to be Nanna's adoptive grandfather, rescuing her from a meteor that hit his wife's bakery on April 13, 1910. Eight days later, on April 21, another meteor hit Halley's doghouse. When the Colonel went to investigate, he was accidentally killed by an infant Grandpa dual-mishandling flintlock pistols. Nanna and Grandpa then grew up under the wicked pastry baroness's care as siblings, until they were 13, when Grandpa developed a taste for adventure and departed with Halley.

His life in the post-scratch universe was similar, still marrying Betty Crocker and owning the dog Halley. The change was the result of Nanna being replaced with Poppop and Grandpa being replaced with Grandma. Since neither Poppop nor Grandma were sent to Earth with dual flintlock pistols, it is unknown how Colonel Sassacre died in the post-scratch universe. It is hinted at by Jane how he could have died in a conversation with Dirk where she says The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions. However, it is known that his stuffed corpse was kept in the living room while Poppop and Grandma grew up, as was family tradition.

Colonel Sassacre's life follows that of his real-life counterpart, Mark Twain. Mark Twain died on April 21, 1910, following the perihelion of Halley's Comet. The Colonel died the same day, and when a meteor hit the dog house of his dog, Halley.

The Hilarocaust, a holocaust to destroy humanity started by The Condesce via the hands of the Insane Clown Posse, can be seen as a play on his name as it also is a combination of "humor" and "mass killing".

Trivia Edit

  • Sassacre's sprite shares many physical similarities with Dad. He, along with Dad, are currently some of the only major characters in Homestuck that are not confirmed to be paradox clones as of yet.
  • Both portraits of him in his Daunting Text are edited sketches of Mark Twain, and his overall appearance is heavily based on a famous picture of Twain.
  • In The Mysterious Stranger, Mark Twain theorized a concept based around the duality of the "self"; one being the "Waking Self", and the other being the "dream self", a concept heavily reimagined in Homestuck.
  • Interestingly enough, Mark Twain's parents are named John and Jane Clemens.
Homestuck Charactersv · d · e
Pre-scratch
Kids
Heir of Breath Breath Seer of Light Light Knight of Time Time Witch of Space Space Outline
JohnLogo John Egbert RoseLogo Rose Lalonde DaveLogoSlashed Dave Strider JadeLogo Jade Harley
ectoBiologist [EB]
ghostyTrickster [GT]
tentacleTherapist [TT] turntechGodhead [TG] gardenGnostic [GG]
Post-scratch
Kids
Maid of Life Life Rogue of Void Void Prince of Heart Heart Page of Hope Hope Outline
JaneLogo Jane Crocker RoxyLogo Roxy Lalonde DirkLogo Dirk Strider JakeLogo Jake English
gutsyGumshoe [GG] tipsyGnostalgic [TG] timaeusTestified [TT] golgothasTerror [GT]
Post-scratch
Trolls
Maid of Time Time Page of Breath Breath Mage of Doom Doom Knight of Blood Blood
Aries Aradia Megido Taurus Tavros Nitram Gemini Sollux Captor Cancer Karkat Vantas
apocalypseArisen [AA] adiosToreador [AT] twinArmageddons [TA] carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Rogue of Heart Heart Sylph of Space Space Outline Seer of Mind Mind Thief of Light Light
Leo Nepeta Leijon Virgo Kanaya Maryam Libra Terezi Pyrope Scorpio Vriska Serket
arsenicCatnip [AC] grimAuxiliatrix [GA] gallowsCalibrator [GC] arachnidsGrip [AG]
Heir of Void Void Bard of Rage Rage Prince of Hope Hope Outline Witch of Life Life
Sagittarius Equius Zahhak Capricorn Gamzee Makara Aquarius Eridan Ampora Pisces Feferi Peixes
centaursTesticle [CT] terminallyCapricious [TC] caligulasAquarium [CA] cuttlefishCuller [CC]
Pre-scratch
Trolls
Witch of Time Time Rogue of Breath Breath Heir of Doom Doom Seer of Blood Blood
Aries Damara Megido Taurus Rufioh Nitram Gemini Mituna Captor Kankri Vantas
Mage of Heart Heart Maid of Space Space Outline Knight of Mind Mind Sylph of Light Light
Leo Meulin Leijon Virgo Porrim Maryam Libra Latula Pyrope Scorpio Aranea Serket
Page of Void Void Prince of Rage Rage Bard of Hope Hope Outline Thief of Life Life
Sagittarius Horuss Zahhak Capricorn Kurloz Makara Aquarius Cronus Ampora Pisces Meenah Peixes
Cherubs
Muse of Space Space Outline Lord of Time Time
Calliope symbol Calliope Caliborn symbol Caliborn
uranianUmbra [UU] undyingUmbrage [uu]
Guardians
Dad Roxy Lalonde
(pre-scratch)
Dirk Strider
(pre-scratch)
Becquerel
God Cat Rose Lalonde
(post-scratch)
Dave Strider
(post-scratch)
Supporting
Characters
Jane Egbert Jaspers Lil Cal Jake Harley
John Crocker Mutie Lil Hal Jade English
Sprites
Nannasprite Jaspersprite Calsprite
Davesprite
Jadesprite
Tavrisprite
Gcatavrosprite
Fefetasprite
Jasprosesprite^2
Arquiusprite Erisolsprite
Davepetasprite^2
Carapacians /
Exiles
Wayward Vagabond Peregrine Mendicant Aimless Renegade Windswept Questant Writ Keeper
Agents
Jack Noir (B2) Draconian Dignitary (B2) Hegemonic Brute Courtyard Droll
Midnight Crew
Spades Slick Diamonds Droog Hearts Boxcars Clubs Deuce
The Felt
Lord English Doc Scratch Snowman
Denizens
Typheus Cetus Hephaestus Echidna
Hemera Nix Yaldabaoth Abraxas
Consorts
Salamanders Turtles Crocodiles Iguanas
Underlings
Imps Ogres Basilisks Liches Giclopses
Other Black Queen · Black King · Skaian armies · Genesis Frog · Lusus · Ancestors (The Condesce) · Horrorterrors · Betty Crocker · Colonel Sassacre · Casey · Guy Fieri · Insane Clown Posse · Maplehoof · Rambunctious Crow · Halley · Serenity · MSPA Reader · Ms. Paint · Andrew Hussie · Sawtooth · Squarewave · His Honorable Tyranny · Calliope and Caliborn's parents · Angels · Canon fan trolls

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