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Betty Crocker

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For the true identity of the character operating under this name, see The Condesce.

Betty Crocker (aka Crockercorp), is a real-life interstellar international corporation owned by General Mills. In the Homestuck universe, however, Betty Crocker is a shady and conspiratorial company owned by none other than the Batterwitch herself, who came to Earth through weird time-space shenanigans, appearing on both the pre-scratch and post-scratch versions of Earth. Though on pre-scratch Earth the company never became more than a vast baked goods empire, focused on producing food, such as baking mixes and Gushers, post-scratch Betty Crocker focuses its efforts on subliminal propaganda hidden within all of its products. Though originally based on baking and confections alone, it was rebranded as Crockercorp on 11/11/11, experimenting with alien technology and diving into politics with an iron fist. Roxy Lalonde refers to Crocker as a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queenSburb Logo.

Whether the disparity between the two instances exists due to nearly three more years having passed or due to outside influence is currently unknown.

HistoryEdit

Pre-scratchEdit

Betty crockker

Crockercorp logo

In the pre-scratch instance of our universe, The Condesce came to Earth at some point before 1910 (the year of Nanna's arrival), founded the Betty Crocker pastry empire, and married Colonel Sassacre. When Nanna's meteor arrived, the Colonel adopted her. Eight days later, Grandpa arrived on his meteor, and accidentally shot Sassacre by dual-mishandling flintlock pistols. The baroness raised both children, telling them that they were the natural-born children of herself and the late Colonel. They both considered her to be a rather wicked woman and did not get along with her.

Though raised by the baroness, the two followed in the footsteps of her late husband, learning the ways of pranksterism. However, their interests drifted apart, and at the age of 13 Grandpa ran off with their dog, Halley, in search of adventure. Out of fear of the baroness, Nanna stayed behind, instead deciding to defy her wicked mother by mastering the baking arts that she taught her, hoping to one day surpass her evil mentor.

03981 2

Jade's Dreambot imprinted with a Crocker logo by Grandpa.

During the years Nanna' spent as Crocker's pupil, she uncovered many dirty secrets about her, most alarmingly the fact that she was not human.

The baroness later revealed to Nanna that she and her brother were not truly related, but destined to be married and produce a pair of children who would save the world, and that she had gone to extensive lengths to prevent such happening. That day, Nanna swore to bring down the baroness and her evil empire by using the many secrets she'd learned over the years against her, and began carefully plotting her downfall. However, before her plan could be put into action, the baroness simply vanished one day without a trace. Presumably, she traveled to the post-scratch instance of our universe, to take up the company there.

The pastry empire was then bequeathed not to Nanna, but to Grandpa, who integrated it into his already extensive business empire. Thus, during John's lifetime, Betty Crocker is owned by Skaianet. John resents Betty Crocker, tired of his Dad's cakes and disgusted by her ownership of the Gushers brand. He is unaware of the relationship between Crocker and his family.

Upsettingly, she is responsible for Dave's premature access to the Insane Clown Posse song Miracles, which ultimately lead to Gamzee's religious upheaval and "termination" of pre-scratch Earth.

Post-scratchEdit

Crockerdrone

Three Crocker Drones, seen in [S] END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1.Sburb Logo

The Condesce arrives on post-scratch Earth in a similar fashion to her arrival on pre-scratch Earth, also founding the Betty Crocker company, marrying Sassacre, and adopting Grandma and Poppop. As neither arrived wielding pistols, the cause of the Colonel's death is unknown. However, it is known that his stuffed corpse was kept in the living room while Poppop and Grandma grew up, as was family tradition. On post-scratch Earth, Grandma is the one to run away from home, while Poppop stayed behind and followed in Sassacre's footsteps to become a famous comedian. Grandma at some point found out that the one thing the Condesce feared was her master, Lord English, so she took his name and started a competing tech company heavily branded to resemble him, with green skulls and garish colors. This company, also under the name of Skaianet, ultimately went bankrupt, forcing Grandma into exile, where she was eventually murdered by the Condesce.

The post-scratch Betty Crocker company is more tech-oriented than its pre-scratch counterpart. As described by Jane, "it releases many products of an experimental nature, often with applicability to other kinds of technology and products which haven't hit the market yet." The company, having overthrown Skaianet, is responsible for several equivalents of products that would have been made by Skaianet on pre-scratch Earth, including the Alpha release of Sburb, and the BettyBother client (though, with its numerous ads and subliminal messaging, BettyBother is hardly competitive with Pesterchum).

Jane Crocker, unlike John on pre-scratch Earth, is aware of her connections to the company, and is eagerly awaiting to inherit it once she turns eighteen. She refers to the Batterwitch as her great-great-grandmotherSburb Logo, but believes her to be dead, as she would have been nearly 200 years old by now.

Many clues to the Batterwitch's identity were given throughout Acts 5 and 6:

  • Her imperial symbolSburb Logo strongly resembles the Betty Crocker logoSburb Logo and is an exact match to the rebranded Betty Crocker logoSburb Logo on 11/11/11.
  • Sburb Alpha was released on "2x3prong Day". The Condesce and her descendant both use the 2x3dentkind strife specibus, reserved only for troll royalty.
  • Jane Crocker owns an Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop produced by Betty Crocker that is emblazoned with a Pisces symbol.
  • Her formal title is The Baroness, which fits with the eight-letter naming scheme of troll ancestors.
  • The Battleship Condescension has the same initials as Betty Crocker.
  • A BettyBother pop-up inviting users to 'Be the first to visit Mars' features the Battleship Condescension in the Martian sky.
  • The term "Batterwitch" used by several of the kids can be seen as a hint. Her descendent, Feferi, was the Witch of Life in the post-scratch troll's session. Though Meenah happens to be the Thief of Life, this was not revealed at the time of the term's first use.

It is still unknown, however, how the Condesce was in both the pre-scratch and post-scratch kids' universes, as well as their post-scratch session. It may have been facilitated by her employer, Lord English.

Troll UniverseEdit

Though the Condesce is the empress of the post-scratch troll universe, there is oddly a "Troll Crocker" referenced by Karkat in Alterniabound. One of the items that can be found is a pack of "Fruit Trollups", featuring a greyed out version of the Betty Crocker symbol with troll horns. Alterniabound was posted nearly a year before the reveal of the Condesce, however, so her existence may not have been thought of (or was simply hidden to avoid suspicion) at the time.

Real WorldEdit

Betty

The many faces of Crocker

There never was a real life Betty Crocker associated with the company. She is a fictional character created by General Mills to answer letters, write books, and later become a franchise of her own. Many people over the years have written under this pseudonym, and many have posed to be the face of Betty.

ProductsEdit

Baking chestEdit

Crocker chest

Jane owns this chest and uses it to store several personal belongings and other Crocker products. It's unclear if it has any special functionality other than being a chest. Its appearance and contents directly parallel the Magic Chest owned by John.

Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring/Poking Solution 50000Edit

Fork

The Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring Solution 50000 can store several million recipes inside it, with a soothing female voice that walks you through each one. It is also currently Jane's "weapon" of choice. As of the rebranding the Stirring Solution can toggle between a Stirring and a Poking Solution.

BettyBotherEdit

Bettybothericon
Main article: BettyBother

BettyBother is a Crockercorp chat client, albeit potentially only existing post-scratch. Jane Crocker uses it even though she clearly shows contempt towards it and outright says Pesterchum is better. However, brand loyalty is a powerful thing. It's stated that her friends use Pesterchum instead, and so it appears there is cross-program compatibility between BettyBother and Pesterchum, in a similar case to Trollian. While Pesterchum labels chats as "pestering" BettyBother uses the term "bothering" instead.

It is full of spam and popups, all of which contain subliminal messaging from the Batterwitch.

Gristwidget 12000 PrototypeEdit

Gristwidget 12000 Prototype

The Gristwidget 12000 accepts Captchalogue Cards and Boondollars. When a card is inserted, it displays a value in Boondollars. Inserting that many Boondollars and activating the Gristwidget results in the item being converted into grist. Converting items into Grist is already possible within Sburb, but this requires the help of a server player. While more expensive, the Gristwidget 12000 is more convenient for players on the go.

Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave TiaratopEdit

Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop

The Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop appears to be a sort of portable computer that mingles fast processor speeds and the wearer's thoughts. However, wearing it for too long tends to cause migraines, and may make the user OBEY susceptible to DIE Crockercorp propaganda. It should be noted that the Pisces zodiac sign is located in the center of the Tiaratop, bearing resemblance to Feferi and the Condesce. It also looks exactly like Feferi's tiara, except red.

Near the end of Act 6 Act 5 Act 1 x2 Her Imperious Condecension uses the Tiaratop to control Jane Crocker.

Dunce CapEdit

Dunce Cap

The Betty Crocker Dunce Cap, at least at this point in time, appears to be just a normal name brand dunce cap. It costs 10 boondollars to be converted into grist by the Gristwidget 12000.

AppearifierEdit

Crockercorp appearifier

Roxy is in possession of an appearifierSburb Logo, which she frequently used to steal pumpkins. In order to prove to the skeptical Jane that she could in fact do such a thing, Roxy appearifies her copy of Colonel Sassacre's. Unfortunately, the book is big enough to kill a catSburb Logo, and that was indeed poor Jaspers' fateSburb Logo, after GCat lured himSburb Logo into its path.

SendificatorEdit

Crockercorp sendificator

Dirk has a microwave-sized sendificator, which he can use to send any object that fits within itSburb Logo. He sent Jake a number of items using it, including the entire robot version of himself, piece by piece. He later used it during [S]  Dirk: Synchronize.Sburb Logo to send his own head to Jake, so Jake could kiss the head and revive his dream self to complete a temporal causality loop.

Mouse ToyEdit

Crocker mouse

Jane once used a small Crocker-brand toy mouse to summonSburb Logo GCat. She simply threw it on the ground, and the cat materialized, pouncing on it and then batting it around playfully. It is unknown whether the mouse has special properties or built-in electronics specifically appealing to GCat, and it's possible that GCat was simply drawn to the toy in a general cat-like fashion. It should be noted that the Condesce has interacted with GCat, and has controlled at least some of his actions. Whether this is the source of the toy's power is unknown.

Transportalizer Edit

Transportalizer

On Earth C, 5000 years in the future, Crockercorp possesses a corporate transportalizer. It seems to have been brought along from the B2 universe. Jane mentions all Crockercorp technology was scrubbed clean by their chief engineer, which would have been necessary, to remove nefarious subroutines and exploits planted by the Batterwitch.

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